sigh....

i wonder why i never change.
i mean, i do horrible stuff
and then i regret it right after i do it
but then i get sort of addicted to it
and so i don't know when to stop

this horrible attitude
i wish i never had it in the first place

sometimes i make a target to change
and i do change for the better
but at some point,
i fall backwards again
and i hate it!
i hate myself for that
for being so weak
for not having the strength to fight back

this is the second semester's holiday
if i want to change, i know it's now
for the better

sometimes i imagine myself being a hardworking student
everyone likes me
and i like myself
i can juz see myself studying at night
and waking up early
helping mom
being a responsible human being

but when the right time comes
i always do the wrong thing

and i keep postponing things
seriously, i have to stop

urghhhh
i really really hate myself

promises unfulfilled
expectations destroyed

what is wrong with me
???

i know i'm a great person by heart
but why am i lacking in this?
girl, get a grip of yourself
don't be lazy
don't be lazy
don't be lazy
don't postpone things
don't say yes to every single thing
i know u juz wanna help others
but ur killing urself slowly
to make other people happy

you have a problem of always thinkin wat other people think of u
if u do this, wat would they think
if u do that, would they miisunderstand?
u'r not being urself anymore
ur losing it, fatin. totally losing it

because every step u take is an illusion of yourself
walking on a thin ice
u'r damn scared that the ice will break
and that u'll drown

every single thing u do, even tiny ones
u'r scared that other people will hate u for it
and if u make a mistake
u make a huge big out of it
when other people think its normal
and in the end, they're stomping on u
because they see ur weakness fatin
ur showing it like a torch in the dark

what are u so scared of actually, fatin?
letting other people down?
facing reality?
nobody loving you?

what are u scared of ?

hey :)

waaaaaa i'm not really sure why i created a new blog
and i'm not really sure how long it'll last
but i'll make the best of it while it does

....

i've learned a lot for these past few years
it's like, this year, i just noticed how naive i was
in everything, absolutely EVERYTHING

i know most of my head is still in the clouds but
i think i changed a lot from last year
and this is all thanks to my experiance in changing schools
even though this school can be called as a prison of some kind
but it's like i just noticed that i was in my own prison.
a place where i know everything and everyone
not an open view like right now

and i met this guy,
syara, i'm sure u'd really love this guy.
i think i love him too
too bad he doesn't know

and i'll keep it that way